Category Archives: Opinion

I Thought about Quitting …

I’ve seen a few status updates today talking about Suicide Prevention and I know a few people on my social media lists are struggling with depression. I want to share something, because I’ve lost too many loved ones … and I was almost lost myself.

(Warning: Strong language)

quitting - title | I Am Rosa

About 15 years ago, I was living in Toronto on the 5th floor of an apartment building. I’d been broke, homeless, and hungry so often during the previous 8 years that it seemed like those things were the fabric of the marriage I was in at the time. I didn’t know how long I was going to have a roof over my head this time and, I was recovering from a near-death illness that made it impossible for me to even think about getting a job. I was scared all the time. I was angry and frustrated … and …

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was depressed. I didn’t know it when I gave away the things I loved and valued. Precious things from my childhood. Beloved things I had carefully saved up for – not expensive or grand items; books, a pretty blouse … things that made me feel happy.

It didn’t dawn on me that I could possibly be depressed, because I was always the up-beat, positive, forward-moving one that people looked to when they needed to be lifted up. There was always hope! Tomorrow was a better day waiting to pounce on us!

I had no idea I was depressed until I opened the bedroom window one afternoon, pulled the screen off, and hoisted myself over the sill. Hanging half-in and half-out of the window, I looked down at the pavement below trying to decide if 5 stories was high enough to kill me. I figured if I went feet first, I might just end up breaking a lot of bones, but if I went out the window headfirst …

That thought didn’t scare me. Not a bit. I didn’t think about how anyone would miss me or what would happen to them afterward.  Except, I did wonder one thing: What would *I* do after I was dead? Believing that I am an eternal being meant that death wouldn’t end the pain I was in. I would take that shit with me into the next realm and probably into the next life. I couldn’t stomach the idea of dragging my pain any further – infecting my eternal life with a temporary torment.

I climbed back into the bedroom, sat on the bed, and cried. Then, I went hunting. I tracked down the things that were making me unhappy. I dug to the roots of the pain, took names and notes, and when I could, I began eliminating those things.

See, I had something call “Situational Depression“. Change the situation that’s causing the depression and it goes away.  I dug deep and turned to face the enemy that put me so low in order to attack those hateful things instead of myself … I knew I had to share with those who are struggling right now. I desperately need to tell you this:

“Thought about quitting, then I noticed who was watching.”

“Thought about quitting, then I noticed who was watching”

GET THE FUCK UP!! FIND YOUR ENEMY AND FIGHT, DAMN IT! I love you and you have no clue who needs you! Find your enemy; situation, environment, chemical imbalance, whatever it is – hunt it down and FUCKING “KILL” IT! Remove it from your life with extreme prejudice like you’re a fucking sniper with no mercy.

sniper

You are the Light the others (including me) rely on when seeking an escape from their own Darkness .

Fight the Darkness Without Mercy. Lay your head down to rest. Then, get the fuck up, and fight some more.

You and me: We’re going to win this fight together!

glitter heart | I Am Rosa


 

It’s Just a Kiss … Really?

There’s been a lot of controversy about the situation in Pikesville, Maryland where a tween boy grabbed and kissed a girl on a dare.  Why is everyone making such a big deal about a 13 year old boy kissing another 8th grader?  Is filing sexual assault charges too harsh of a response??  In a word:  No.

 

 

I’ve been that kid  kissed by a boy who was dared to do it.  It was terrifying to be held down and have someone force a kiss on me. I was told by adults that I was making a big deal out of nothing. This was in first grade. It was the first of many similar incidents that was permitted to happen to me and they never stopped being terrifying.

When I was grabbed and French-kissed against my will a few years later, I was told, “He doesn’t understand what he’s doing”.

When I was cat-called, followed, groped, and grabbed, I was told, “He’s just showing you that he likes you.”

When I was stalked and a dude snuck into the house to watch me, “He’s just being friendly. He comes over all the time.”

He just wants to show how much he likes you …. It’s not a big dealIt’s just a jokeYou’re over-reacting

These dismissals and the reactions I got from others told me I should welcome this behaviour and, moreover, I should be FLATTERED. How ungrateful of me to complain or report this “normal boy behaviour”.  And, when I snapped and retaliated against one of these boys, *I* was the problem. There was something wrong with *ME* for being upset.

Sex gets equated to care and love. “If you really love him, you’d put out” “If you don’t give him what he wants, he’ll find someone who does and you’ll be all alone.” These are things that were actually said to me by adults.

Where does it end for a girl taught that this is “normal”? Or, the boy who is given permission by society to take liberties?  Let me share an incident from my past with you …

 

vintage-children-drawing | I Am Rosa

Games can get out of control, especially when it comes to “dares”. When I was in cadets, we took a trip to England. During our travels, we were left without adult supervision. You’d think a bunch of teens could behave themselves for an hour or so, right?  Apparently not.  See, someone suggested a game. “Truth or Dare” to be exact. I wasn’t into it, so I curled up in a corner and had a nap.  When I woke up, I could tell something was wrong.  There was a strain.  A darkness that hung over everyone’s heads.  No one could look each other in the eye.  The camaraderie was gone. “Why?” I asked. “What happened?”  A game happened.  A stupid dare.

See, there had been some flirting between one of the guys and a female cadet.  One of his friends dared him to have sex with her. Right there. In front of everyone to prove it happened. They were pressured by the group – their “friends” – and the stakes of the game. He felt like he had to in order to save face and the others pressured this young girl … Remember we were all about 15 at the time.

To this day, I wish I hadn’t fallen asleep. I was always the voice of morals and conscious (which usually meant I got ditched). I would have said something.  I would have ratted them out before it happened.  I could have stopped them somehow – some way … But, I was napping and no one else spoke up. So, right there on a boat these 2 terrified teens were pressured into having sex, surrounded by strangers and supposed friends. It destroyed them.kiss | I Am RosaDebate all you want about whether or not this young man should face criminal charges, but understand this: It’s not about a kiss. It’s about a social mindset that’s dangerous and wrong.